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Posts Tagged ‘Personal’

Our nearly three month old puppy, Nanuk, passed suddenly this weekend.  You see him below in a picture taken last week.

There are many wonderful pet loss poems out there but none seemed to contain the language for what my heart wants to say.  So I decided to re-post this poem I wrote a few years ago, to remind me of two things: nothing that is cherished ever truly perishes and Nanuk is in the heavens now, carried on the wings of the air.

past the borders of happiness and unhappiness
a rim of fire oaks bid me on the blue horizon 

smooth hand like leaves held me there
while the first hard rain fell

I kneeled and leaned into the heady fragrance
of an ancient wisdom revealed
beneath the old rough timber

it spoke of the delicate balance in being
at once firmly rooted while gently yielding
whenever the fall winds swept through

I heard of the necessity of winter’s annual arrival
for stillness is the silent cathedral of the earth

I learned that what drops away gives rise to rich black loam
so that nothing that is cherished ever perishes

listening intently now, the old knowing timber whispered
how it never seeks to contain what cuts deep

no, you give it up to the low slung clouds overhead
to be carried on the wings of the air

©heartsdeesire

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tetons-snake-river

We’ve all had them – challenges and circumstances that leave their unforgettable impact and change us forever.  Abraham aptly terms it: the contrast.

I would like to believe that we have chosen the contrast on some level before we ever fully emerged into these bodies.  I don’t believe we chose the specifics of it so much as the generalities.  I do believe we chose it before we were capable of feeling fear and before we formed individual ideas of what’s good and what’s bad or even what’s right and what’s wrong.

The beautiful thing about making peace with having chose it all on some level is that I don’t have to understand why – just know that whatever it is, I chose it. This is a far more empowering feeling than the victim stance of this happened to me and I have no control over it and it sucks.  And I feel it’s even more empowering than searching for positive aspects in certain situations where I just can’t come by it honestly.

I actually dreamed one night about someone very close to me who is a heroin addict.  I dreamed we were in non-physical and talking about how we were going to come down to earth in these bodies and have this relationship with each other.  We spoke eagerly about this adventure we were going to have and there was this sense that this undertaking meant lots of challenges with thrilling twists and turns.  But there was no fear, no judgement at all about it, the only feeling was one of enthusiastic anticipation.

The dream scene then changed and we were in physical bodies here on earth.  We were in a small boat on a river and we were still happily awaiting the contrast we were about to experience.  Then the water became choppy, darkness descended and one of us was thrown overboard into the water.  At that moment, the drama began to unfold and we were both lost in the dream.  We forgot the initial agreement we made in non-physical.  We become immersed and lost both literally and metaphorically in the water, in the dream I was dreaming, in the drama.

The dream ends but leaves behind its message: this was all a choice and from your non-local vantage point, you were not afraid, nor did you say this is a good pile of things to experience and this is a bad pile of things to experience.  You wanted it all.  You didn’t just come to paint with the color yellow, you didn’t just come to ride the smooth train from point A to point B.  You did want it all.  And remembering this, I step out of immersion and I make peace with where I am and what I have lived and will live.  Making peace, I pass from moving against the current of life to moving with the current of life.

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Closet_Monster_by_sim83

Yes, that was me – aspiring Spiritual Goody Two Shoes.  Just before I was about to receive my certification in Spiritual Goody Two Shoes, I had the sudden realization that I have a dark side.  Well, let’s be clear it wasn’t a sudden realization so much as a willingness to take a look in my own spiritual closets and acknowledge there was in fact a monster in there.  I’d closed that door on my monsters many a time.  I denied it and privately lived in shame.

Perhaps it’s the toughest door to open and yet, ironically requires an innocence of us.  An innocence of mind to open that door and be willing to look at whatever is in there.  Rummaging through my spiritual closets, illuminated a new meaning for the term “mercy and goodness”, taken from the 23rd Psalm.  It required of me a readiness to show myself that mercy and goodness even as I revealed my darker sides.  Now that I’ve opened that door, I’ve discovered I’m not unlike anything or anyone else, this Universe consists of shades of light and dark and I am not exempt from that.

I also learned there is a softness, a leaning into life when I cease to resist this dark side.  My world becomes a more welcoming one.  No more running from what’s behind that closet door.  The monster can come in bed with me now, we’ll read each other bed time stories.  We’ll talk, we’ll have our giggles and tears.  We’ll hug and sleep next to each other and in the morning we’ll step out into the full light of day and walk with an open hearted transparency about us because suddenly our world is a friendlier one and all the demons are no more.

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Image Locale

memory-vedder-L

I give you the letter
I never sent
that begins with
how precious you are
and ends with
love always and forever

I give you star dipped kisses
to wear in your hair

I give you a small yet competent compass
to hold in your pocket

I give you true North as your guide

I give you back your last two birthdays

I give you the card that reads:
now, you may begin anew

I give myself one, too.

©heartsdeesire

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eastwards

as twilight begins
and darkness descends
light pours into small spaces

and I am tossed out into the violet night
half remembering now the questions I asked:
what’s it like in that other realm?
and
will I be alone?

answers drift in from faraway places
and hang like forbidden fruit
words and images impossible to translate

relief comes as the first blush of morning arrives
wind strokes my hair
I turn back to what is familiar
and the simple language
for things: table, chair, cup, spoon, plate

now in the pulse of a quiet sleep
I dream that I have abandoned the questions
and am wrapped in the arms of the answer:
I am not alone.

©heartsdeesire

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paper_dragon1

I want to linger inside the silence
void of sound and distraction

long enough to see for myself that love’s only obstacle
fear, really is just a paper dragon

I want to let every barrier to love fall away

I want to liberate what sleeps within me

and awake resplendent in all that remains:
your pure and perfect love

©heartsdeesire

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you-re-not-alone

it’s nice to know
that when I’m feeling low
I can come visit my own blog
and laugh and cry and be soothed
find hope and remember

it’s nice to know
I’ve left a well marked trail
it’s lighted, too
and filled with my favorite things

it’s nice to know
others have come here and
felt better for it
they’ve also laughed and cried
found hope and remembered

and now I remember, too
I am not alone
not now, not ever.

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