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Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Husbandry

The truth is revealed — I’m a specialist.  Yup.  I specialize in husbandry.  Not the animal kind, the homo-sapien kind.  I like to say I’ve been married more times than Marilyn Monroe but less than Elizabeth Taylor.  That way I maintain an alluring mystique surrounding all my marriages.  This is obviously a great deal more preferable than being perceived as just plain wacko.

I’m actually not wacko but I am wicked smart.  Few realize this is a fine art that has previously been limited to purchasing cars.  I wasn’t just marrying, divorcing and marrying again, I was trading up.  See, there’s a subtle but important distinction to be made here.

For years now, I’ve reserved the blog name, but never used it – “Husband Unturned”.  It stands for Leave No Husband Unturned, sort of like leave no rock unturned, but not.  I thought I could write a witty blog with pithy little one liners but alas I’m not that funny on a regular, recurring basis.

Now to be clear, I don’t steal other people’s husbands.  I only dated and married single men.  Your husbands are safe ladies.  Mine is a keeper any way.  He’s the luxury edition of husbandry even if we are the last people on the block to bring in our garbage cans.  A fact that causes me to redden with shame every Friday.  And all this time, he thought it was just my rosacea.

I add that, in hopes that he reads this blog post and maybe, just maybe I can hold my head up high in the neighborhood next Friday.  I know the King of the castle does not have to bring in the garbage cans but neither does the Princess.  But really if the King refuses to bring them in on Thursday night but brings them in on say, Friday night or Saturday, is he any more or less a King?  (Appealing to his logical, balanced nature always helpful — failing that, confuse him with nonsense.)

I’ll keep you posted on the garbage can situation in our home.  Meanwhile, he’ll always be a keeper in my heart.

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1.   yeah, so having a dangling waddle (not to be confused with dangling participle)
2.   actually means comfort in old age in Chinese Face Reading
3.   so good to know, guess I’m keeping it
4.   because it’s the sacred calligraphy of my soul
5.   yeah, so waddles are sacred
6.   and on Ally McBeal they were hot and sexy
7.   ROFLMWAO
8.   rolling on the floor laughing my waddle on (as opposed to off … remember it’s a keeper, not a creeper)
9.   yeah, so this little ode to a waddle has been brought to you by
10. Bethie!
11. you, too, can rock a waddle
12. almost like me
13. :)
14. yeah, I know, you gotta love me
15. and I love you, too
16. xo
17. if I made you smile, tips are appreciated
18. :)

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Started doing Ten Favorite Things daily on my Internet women’s group, inspired by Abraham Hicks.  Thought I would include today’s funky one.  You won’t recognize the names but you’ll get the gist.  And that image you see above, is apropos of whatever you want it to be. :)

 

1.  Breaking open
2.  running from it
3.  and then coming back to it
4.  reluctantly at first
5.  yet willing to be more than I have
6.  previously limited myself to
7.  my courage
8.  and my weakness
9.  inner Bethie’s House of God
10.so willing to take my hand and do this together

And because a girl’s gotta be a girl:

11.  Kate Somerville’s gentle exfoliating scrub because Holly reminded me of exfoliating and holy moly – skin! and a face that feels soft as a baby’s butt
12.  all the yellow haired people of the world, ha, ha, Tina Fey the leader in equal rights for hair color — snort!
13.  the art noveau-ish beaded, crocheted scarf I got for $3.99 and nearly wet it with my drool, we won’t mention my pants
14.  girls like Ahmee who always keep me smiling with visions of whale placentas, think cal king comforter meets washing machine
15.  Ahmee could write for Tina Fey
16.  and but of course … ova and out
17.  though technically it’s ovum and out
18.  see, you wouldn’t hire me to write for Tina Fey
19.  but you might for the laugh soundtrack
20.  laugh, it feels good in you and me
21.  AND it burns calories!
22.  who knew, right?
23.  you heard it here first
24.  and last
25.  yea, now it is ovum and out
26.  xoxo

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Were you born between November 29th and December 17th?  I was!  Well, you and I just might have a new sun sign, Ophiuchus.  But not if you talk to an astrologer.  I say, not fair, first media tantalizes us with a whole new Zodiac set up from 12 signs to 13 and then bam, astrologers put the lid on it.  Well, screw that!  It’s down right boring living with the same astrological sign for a lifetime.  I’ll be the judge of who I really am.  So here’s my frank and sometimes irreverent evaluation of just how Ophiuchus-y I am.

– The Ophiuchus loves to seek change in their life.

Duh!  Why do you think I want a new sun sign?!  Score 1 for Ophiuchus!  God, could they change the name to something a little more palatable than an “uchus”?!  It sounds like my Yiddish grandmother came up with this zodiac sign based on it rhyming with tukhus.

– They hate the mundane routine in their everyday life.

You betcha.  Score 2!

– They tend to get very impulsive and will follow their guts, even if they tend to get it wrong most of the time.

Shhhh, yes, but let that be our little secret.  Score 3!

– These are people who love to have fun.

Yes, fun is my middle name.  You should all hear my laugh, you can hear it a block away.  Score 4!

– They are a tad too honest.

Blunt and blurt.  Guilty as charged.  Score 5!

– These people are described as intellectual and clever beings.

Of course!  Score 6!

– The Ophiuchus tends to think with their hearts not their minds.

Hmmm, just depends.  I am a big thinker but I’m also very emotional and ok, yes, I do tend to make decisions from my heart not my mind.  Score 7 for Ophiuchus.

– The Ophiuchus personality traits shows these people are very creative and imaginative and love to feed their curiosity.

Curiosity never killed this cat!  Score 8.

– They can be called human magnets. This is because they rank really high in the charisma quotient. These empathic beings can easily pursue people once they turn on their charm along with their knack of persuasion.

I pursue no one.  I let them pursue me.   But if the word arrogant comes up in any of Ophiuchus’ personality traits, don’t believe a word of it.

– They do not like any kind of restrictions, rules or authority over them.

My favorite bumper sticker: question authority.  Score 10.  Does it say anywhere I suck at math?

– They are proud people who tend to be a bit arrogant.

What did I say?  Don’t believe a word of it!

– So, keep telling them they are the best, the numero uno and they will eat out of your hands.

Yes and no.  I don’t eat out of anyone’s hands.  God are you kidding me, you don’t know where those hands have been!

– They love to seek the unknown and gather new wisdom.

That’s what me blog is all about.

– They are also not a very popular being on the social circuit due to their arrogance and pride.

Shut up!  What do you know anyway?!

– They can be called the apple of the eye for their parents when young.

I was, am, and always will be, Daddy’s little girl.

So that’s it.  Ok, well, there was a whole list of so-called “bad” personality traits but they were all irrelevant to sweet little ‘ol me.  I still can’t figure out who I am, Sag or Ophi.   Maybe I’m just Simply Blessed.

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Dogs & Lightbulbs

This is really too funny not to share!  That’s our dog Issie in the above image.  If you recognize the breed you’ll know more than you perhaps ever wanted to know about the situation in our home!  Further down, you’ll see Bob, our cat and what he has to say about all of this.

*How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on the dog’s point of view….

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

DACHSHUND: You know I can’t reach that stupid bulb!

ROTTWEILER: Make me.

LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

POODLE: I’ll blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.

DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the sofa.

BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I’ve got this hangover and……….

POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

GREYHOUND: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle….

OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

And the CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not one of them. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light, dinner and a massage around here?

*author unknown

 

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In the 50’s and 60’s millions of people were terrified of nuclear war.

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your perspective….millions
more people were busy getting stoned, which rendered them happily unable
to dwell on any particular thought form, especially war.

Now this had the unlikely benefit of occupying our parents and
grandparents with fear for our individual well being which far
outweighed any other fears they harbored. And so, inevitably nuclear
war is averted and the pot head is born.

There you have it, a brief history in time.

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