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Archive for May 1st, 2013

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The transition from winter to spring is always such a profound experience in nature.  The earth seems still, sometimes frozen, but so much happens underground that is unseen, invisible to us, but there none the less.  Were it not so, spring would not happen.

I feel a bit of my own inner spring, new growth taking place.  I’ve been in the winter of my life around a particular subject, my Mother, who transitioned many, many years ago.  I was sort of stuck in what felt like an eternal winter.  Never coming to a place of completion with her.  Always feeling like I need to forgive, but forgiveness would not come.  

There were a few false starts, thinking I’ve come to a better place with my Mom – my inner spring had sprung.  Metaphorically a lot like what some of you are experiencing across the country – it’s spring, no wait, it’s winter, but no, it’s spring … ah, yes, spring, finally … no, dang it, it’s winter again!!

And so here I am in spring, finding it wasn’t about forgiveness after all.  It was about opening my heart.  Oh, it didn’t come easy but when it came, it did come authentically.  

A little background: I was about to go to an energy workshop.  We were told to bring 2 or 3 objects that we felt held lots of energy.  I brought a picture of me and my Mother.  I am about 11 years old.  I would always have a visceral, recoiling response to the picture of my Mom.  Before I go to the workshop, I show it to three friends.  One dear friend who is highly, highly intuitive, immediately read fear in my Mom’s eyes and overall presence.  

I went to the workshop, and showed it to my mentor, also highly intuitive.  My mentor said her impression was also fear, just all pervasive fear that completely drove her every moment, every behavior, every decision, every action she took.  She continues: this isn’t someone who wanted to dominate or control you, this was all about keeping her own fear at bay.  Now my mentor doesn’t even know control and domination was the overall theme of my childhood.

I went home and processed that – more winter, a lot happening under the surface.  But then the seedling burst through the earth, and it wasn’t the seedling of forgiveness.  It was the seedling of true compassion.  If she’d been a quadriplegic in a wheel chair, would I have needed to forgive her?  Truly that’s who she was, completely paralyzed by fear.  Forgiveness then becomes a moot point.  It never had anything to do with me. Everything I took so personal was her living out of her fear.  There was never anything to take personally; I wasn’t to blame.

And so dear Mom, I can let you go now, and let go the charge I held all these years.  I can love the person you were in your heart of hearts.  I look at that picture of her now truly with eyes of compassion, no more visceral response.  What a gift this has been in my life.  Tears flowing as I write…

And…wait there’s more…I then turned and recognized how fear operated in my own life, different than her, but there just the same.  So my new journey is healing that.  Perhaps I am healing my own ancestral DNA, as my Mom’s family fled from Nazi Germany.  I don’t know what I’m doing, really, I just know this little seedling is no false start – she will continue to grow into the sweetness and beauty of her own Inner Spring.

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