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Archive for November 18th, 2012

Mutable

 

I want to leap for joy every time I hear someone say — I had an amazing childhood!  Yet, I can count on a couple of fingers how many times I have heard that expressed.  I’m not one who falls into the amazing childhood category.  Frankly, if I was, this blog probably would never have come into existence.  It’s been in my journey to heal, that I’ve thought to inspire others with what has inspired me.

Now, at this juncture in my life, I genuinely want to heal the relationship with my Mom.  However, I found myself in the proverbial should-ing.  If I have a loving, open heart I “should” love her.  The should puts me on the hamster wheel of self-rejection.  Self-rejection never leads to lasting, genuine change.  And, the rejection of my Mom, is also a self-rejection.  If I were a tree, cursing part of my roots, ultimately I am rejecting self.

It all started with a process of moving beyond the should-ing.  With hand on heart, I ask myself…can I invite the spirit of my Mom into my heart.  Maybe the answer is “no”, today.  That’s ok, a little softening occurs just in asking the question.  It’s not a banging self over the head with the should hammer, it’s simply a soft inquiry.

Next I discovered, I could use this tool for so much more, and not just around my Mom.  Hand on heart, breathing consciously, I ask gently:

Can I allow forgiveness for this?
Can I invite acceptance for this?
Can I make room for compassion right now?
Can I make room for kindness?
Is there a place for unconditional love, in:
this passing thought
this brief experience
this temporary feeling

In the should-ing I bind myself to the experience with layers of judgment.  In the spaces of softening and allowing, it is all passing, temporary, brief, and most of all … mutable.

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