Archive for June, 2010

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what do i do with these images
of thin sheets of curled steel laying upright on our yard
what do I do with these images of cars thrown about
like three colored dice rolled out on the lawn

what do I do with the fear of this stunning force and power
a car has — the ability to change everything in an instant

I too have the power to change anything in an instant.

I want to curl up first, I want to spill out of a bottomless pit of grief

And then I want to rise up remembering who I really am.
I want to feel every millimeter of that blossoming me
that begins from down low and narrow in its roots and
slowly rises and expands upwards and outward curling
as it goes up to the sky, making handholds for those
who need the flowers — me.

I want to hear the birds begin their chorus of song at every
moment of the day, our daily problems so inconsequential to them

I want to remember that at the end of the day no matter what that day has been,
I can open my window and I can hear that chorus of birds right now.
Their sole job is to sing and to sing, and to sing again.  Their beauty sings to me.

Today perhaps you would allow I could say they sing for me.
They sing: come sing with us Bethie.  Breathing now, I say I will, I will.
I am almost there.  No, I am already there.

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This side of heaven, where do you suppose this side of heaven is?

“It’s not a place you can get to by a boat or a train. It’s far, far away. Behind the moon, beyond the rain.”

So said the rubyslipper-ed one just before she sung that unforgettable song: Over the Rainbow.

Behind the moon, beyond the rain…is it really that far away?  Or is it found within each of us?  Is it found in between the spaces of
judgment about ourselves – that field that Rumi spoke of?
Is it found in opening to our innate creativity?  Is it where our
dreams lie?  Where imagination comes alive?  Is it in the little
forgivenesses we give ourselves and others?

Is it in that moment we took to consciously take a breath?  Is it now, when I end this entry, step outside, look up, look around, point my face to the sun, breathe in the beauty of today and stay there for a good long time?

Free to just simply

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“… flare up like flame and make big shadows I can move in …” ~ Rilke

I was noticing that trust and truth share the first three letters “tru”.  I went searching for the origins and etymology of both words, trust and truth, and found that they share in common one word — faithful.  I began to explore then how trust and truth might be linked and to what and whom is it that I am faithful.

Recently I’ve written about how I’ve diminished my own authority in the world.  This is to not trust in the truth of who I am, it is instead to negate it.   And here’s the rub: I have so much authority that I even have the authority to diminish my own authority.  I have had all the authority all along.  I am the author of my life.  I have the power to play it small or play it big.  I have the power to make myself weak or strong, meek or bold, broken or whole.  I can choose to self censor and diminish myself.  I can choose its opposite too.

So I’ve been playing a little game of smoke and mirrors.  I’ve been so powerful I could pretend I was weak.  It’s a myth I have created that I was ever less than, a myth of my own making.  I have both the power to bind myself in chains and the power to relieve myself of them, too.

I had it a bit backwards when I said in my 30 day challenge I would speak my truth, I would honor it, I would not defer it, explain it or stuff it.  I put the proverbial cart before the horse.  Guess what?  I can’t really know my truth until I know myself.  And I mean “know” myself in terms of not denying myself.  This means trusting in a greater truth, trusting in the fullness, the wholeness of all that I really am and remaining faithful to that truth.

Joseph Campbell has said the privilege of a lifetime is in being who you are.  I am feeling that life is too short for me to deny myself that privilege even for one moment longer.

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I went to see Karate Kid yesterday.  It’s not the usual genre of movies that I am attracted to but I did enjoy it.  Yes, it is a tad bit predictable, even so I cried and cheered as I often do for the “underdog”.  The movie has many themes: strength, stillness, focus, discipline, attitude, and respect yet it was the backdrop of Eastern spiritualism that caught my attention the most.  Here are three ideas from the movie that I wanted to expound on:

1)  You see with your eyes you are easy to fool.  Don’t see it, feel it.

Yes, “feel it” this is the sixth sense, also known as intuition, gut instinct.  It means moving from a deeper sense of who we are, not limited by the five senses but expanded through our knowing that we are connected to something greater, something on the side of goodness and beauty, something both wonderful and mysterious.  Through Spirit, daily we are moved upon.  Only when I forget, when I think I have to tough it out all on my own, do I suffer and separate myself from all that is good, beautiful and working on my behalf every moment of every day.

2)  Kung Fu lives in how we treat people.

I love this and I would add that it’s also in how we treat ourselves.  Are we friendly to ourselves, do we respect ourselves, do we honor ourselves, our truth, our needs?  Is our inner world a friendly one, a peaceful one?  As within, so without.

3)  When life knocks you down, you can choose to get up again.

I might say it a little differently — there is what happens in life and then there is who we are when the stuff of life comes knocking at our door.  Who are we when we answer that door?  Who are we when life throws us a ball out of left field?  Who do we want to be then?

This is who I want to be — one who remembers nos. 1 and 2 of her 30 Day Challenge.  Whatever it is, let me greet it with an open heart, allow me to remember I am right where I am supposed to be.  Let me know from deep inside where it counts, that the Universe has my back always, no matter what.  Grant that I be ever mindful of a Universe that sometimes turns left to go right.  Who knows what is in store for me when I am willing to suspend judgment that something bad is happening.  Allow me to trust in a Universe that is continually expanding and unfolding.  Grant that I remember no fact, no circumstance has the power to compel me to hand over my personal Well Being.

If life should knock me down, grant that I remember I am held and supported by something much greater than mere circumstances.  Let me know, as I walk into what may sometimes feel like the void of the unknown that I never, ever walk alone.

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How many ways can we open our hearts today?  Here is one way:

Now I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What’s really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don’t even know the name
But if I did, well really, what’s it to you?
There’s a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn’t matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

~Leonard Cohen~

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As I

move about

my day


allow me

to pause

let me


in every


I am

moved upon




God Force

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It’s Juneuary

Well here we are Sleepless and Soggy in Seattle again.  I noticed the blog is getting hits for this post from 2008 “It’s Juneuary”.  So I’m re-running it to entertain myself mostly in between the IV caffeine drip and wringing myself out.  I did not, however, have to get in my car and scream expletives this year.  By george, I call that progress!

It’s Juneuary in Seattle. I kid you not.  And I knew I would have to let in my sunshine before the sun actually did shine and I did and it hasn’t but I have. LOL.  But first I got in my car and screamed as loud as I could, f@*k you rain over and over again, until I felt better.  But it was only a little better.  Eventually I had to let go of needing it to be different for me to feel good.  And let go I did.  Again.

My sun loving self has been here before and maybe I’ll be here again.  What. ev. er.   What. ev. er. is my new I’m-an-up-and-coming-allower phrase.  So next time you guys are sweltering, think of me, fires lit, homemade soup on the stove, finding the sweet spot anyway… in Juneuary.

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