Ah well, today I was feeling really grouchy and just wanted a do-over day. The kind of grouchy where I want to slam doors and snap everybody’s head off. I wanted to wake up and start all over again and maybe this time with a better mind-set. I didn’t want to even ask what would Innocence bring to this which is my current daily practice. Yet I didn’t want to be grouchy either. I also didn’t want to go down the path of what exactly is it that I am giving myself to that is causing me to feel grouchy. Just for one dang minute, Beth, can we be “normal” and not go down the rabbit hole of consciousness every time there’s a glitch in the day?
Apparently not. Once I wake up metaphorically speaking, it’s hard to fall back asleep again. That really should feel like good news but not when I’m pushing against grouchy! So what is a grouchy girl to do? I went into my room, closed (not slammed) the door and opened my laptop and began writing this. And asked myself — where do I begin?
I met someone at a Field Center conference recently, her name is Lori and she’s from the UK. I loved Lori. Lori spoke of one day when she found a lump in her breast. She went to the doctor and they suggested she be put on the fast track for evaluating the lump. Lori’s reaction was — clearly I want to have this experience. And as most people would respond, she felt scared. And her reaction to that was — I’m afraid, ok, clearly I want to experience this fear, too.
I thought to myself that was the most self-friendly place anyone could ever be. Meeting yourself with accepting all that you are experiencing, as well as all that you feel, is such a gentle and kind place to be with yourself. It shimmers with unconditional self acceptance. It’s so simple that in all that I bring to my practice, I’ve forgotten the simplicity of pure unconditional acceptance of everything.
So, grouchy, yes, clearly I want to experience grouchy today. Clearly, twisting my panties in a wad is on the agenda for today. Well, now I am smiling. I get to be grouchy!! I get to be! No judging it, no pushing it away. I embrace my grouchy self!
And therein lies the peace. I just felt myself let out a big exhale of relief. All is well, grouchy pants and all. And the do over day I wanted; it just happened in real time as I’m writing all of you.
I have a difficult time seeing you as a grouchy pants, even for a single morning. I woke up BLAH today. No bad mood, or anger or frustration, just blah and as soon as I stopped questioning the cause, and just accepted it, the blahs vanished and I lost all track of time in my writing.
Perhaps these moods are just fuel for something?
Perhaps your grouchy pants will be a poem in the future?
:) HUGS
This is beautiful, beth. And thanks for sharing Lori’s experience too. That awareness is perfect.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Basking now :-)
Clearly I wanted to experience myself as a small blue smurf and a grouchy one at that! :)
was that tues? i woke up from a dream where a woman was throwing out a wall full of those old glass block little window things that I LOVE and i was going to haul them all home to build a setting with so when i woke up i was actually ready to drive to home depot an BUY some cause i was SO wanting them, from the dream…. the day was FULL of sort of edgy energy bordering on groucy or even…. dare i say anger, but it all felt like clean and good energy so i used it to call the michigan barr and the legal aide ppl and got us an apointment with an attorny TODAY (last minute cancellation??? LOL) so that we may finally get this bankruptcy thing underway SOMEHOW and get some relief from the suits and judgements and get on with our life….
grouchy can be GO(O)D! (O: xoxoam
“Meeting yourself with accepting all that you are experiencing, as well as all that you feel, is such a gentle and kind place to be with yourself. It shimmers with unconditional self acceptance.” This self-friendliness IS really simple – love the reminder! There’s no need to ever complicate things up, not when at its core, it’s as simple as this.
I love the reminder too Belle!
It was Tuesday AnnMarie. I think I know what you are talking about, those old glass blocks, they had wavy lines in them kind of. I remember seeing them in houses that I think are from the 30s and 40s. … I wondered when you wrote about the tax refund about filing for bankruptcy. Nice that the U conspired on your behalf for that last minute appointment. Well it always does but it does it so much more efficiently when we are in self friendly relation. xxxxo Beth