Archive for April 6th, 2010

Ah well, today I was feeling really grouchy and just wanted a do-over day.  The kind of grouchy where I want to slam doors and snap everybody’s head off.  I wanted to wake up and start all over again and maybe this time with a better mind-set.  I didn’t want to even ask what would Innocence bring to this which is my current daily practice.  Yet I didn’t want to be grouchy either.  I also didn’t want to go down the path of what exactly is it that I am giving myself to that is causing me to feel grouchy.  Just for one dang minute, Beth, can we be “normal” and not go down the rabbit hole of consciousness every time there’s a glitch in the day?

Apparently not.  Once I wake up metaphorically speaking, it’s hard to fall back asleep again.  That really should feel like good news but not when I’m pushing against grouchy!  So what is a grouchy girl to do?  I went into my room, closed (not slammed) the door and opened my laptop and began writing this.  And asked myself — where do I begin?

I met someone at a Field Center conference recently, her name is Lori and she’s from the UK.  I loved Lori.  Lori spoke of one day when she found a lump in her breast.  She went to the doctor and they suggested she be put on the fast track for evaluating the lump.  Lori’s reaction was — clearly I want to have this experience.  And as most people would respond, she felt scared.  And her reaction to that was — I’m afraid, ok, clearly I want to experience this fear, too.

I thought to myself that was the most self-friendly place anyone could ever be.  Meeting yourself with accepting all that you are experiencing, as well as all that you feel, is such a gentle and kind place to be with yourself.  It shimmers with unconditional self acceptance.  It’s so simple that in all that I bring to my practice, I’ve forgotten the simplicity of pure unconditional acceptance of everything.

So, grouchy, yes, clearly I want to experience grouchy today.  Clearly, twisting my panties in a wad is on the agenda for today.  Well, now I am smiling.  I get to be grouchy!!  I get to be!  No judging it, no pushing it away.  I embrace my grouchy self!

And therein lies the peace.  I just felt myself let out a big exhale of relief.  All is well, grouchy pants and all.  And the do over day I wanted; it just happened in real time as I’m writing all of you.

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