My doctor is wonderful. Once, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the x-rays.
-Joey Bishop
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
If you look like your passport photo, you’re too ill to travel.
-Will Kommen
Insanity doesn’t run in my family. It gallops.
-Cary Grant
Misers aren’t fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.
-David Brenner
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what
I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate
cake. I feel better already.
-Dave Barry
I’m not going to vacuum till Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr
To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.
-Rita Rudner
If you love something, set it free. Unless it’s chocolate. Never release chocolate.
-Renee Duvall
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served
us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
-Calvin Trillin
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
-Rodney Dangerfield
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two
of them were just napping.
-Rita Rudner
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TV’s for his birthday. So I just moved
his chair closer to the one we have already.
-Wendy Liebman
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-Douglas Adams
I have an aunt who married so late in life that Medicare picked up 80 percent
of the honeymoon.
-Don Reber
I hate housework – you make the beds, you do the dishes – and six months later
you have to start all over again.
-Joan Rivers
Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him
with four or five cupcakes.
-Bob Thaves
