“Non-identification … stop taking the experience as me or mine  We inquire of every state or experience: is this who I really am?  We see the tentativeness of this identity, then we are free to let go and rest in awareness itself.  This is what Buddhist psychologists call the abode of awakening, the end of clinging.  True peace.  Nirvana.  No longer bound by fears and illusions of the small sense of self.”  Jack Kornfield, The Wise Heart

I’ve been listening to the audio version of this book.  I do highly recommend this book though I would think twice about buying the audio version.  He’s not the liveliest speaker I’ve come across.  Sorry, Mr. Kornfield!

So, I’ve actually been using the question … is this who I really am? … for any unwanted feeling.  It’s a great tool to disengage from that feeling before I become emotionally flooded in a whirlwind of attendant thoughts.  Try it the next time you feel fear or jealousy or anxiety, for instance.  Notice where you are headed and ask yourself: is this who I really am?  Most of the time your answer will be – no, it is not.

Most of the time.  I hit upon one exception so far.  Asked the question and I received the immediate response of yes.  This was very telling about what I take to be real.  Rather than wrestle that baby to the ground, I’ll lead with — just for now, that’s how it is.  That’s another concept mentioned by Jack Kornfield.  It’s a radical acceptance.  Seems there’s always so much resistance to what is unwanted it starts a perpetual dance of push, pull where nothing really changes.  Jack Kornfield terms this resistance, flavors of “the wish it weren’t so”.  Yet it is, so why not accept it, just for now, or as they say in 12 step, Just for Today.

I think I’ll add to “just for now” an open curiosity.   In the same manner that I can witness or watch myself in a dream, I can do this consciously — witness with non-attachment in the awake state.  I can ask myself — what is it like to believe this?  Where do I feel it in the body?  What thoughts belong to this belief?  How do those thoughts feel?

And finally … Where is my Spirit in all of this?  This gently leads me back to the original question — is this who I really am?  I already feel a softening of beliefs.  An opening has been created into what is possible, and what was taken to be the truth, begins to quietly fall away.

I wrote this a year ago and as the new year approaches, its timeless wisdom bears repeating.  I wish I would have had this post handy when I went through a life altering event this year.  That one question: am I giving myself to a conclusion that is set against my true desire?, is golden.  I’ll let you all read on, and allow the context of it all take shape…

It’s a fresh new year stretching before us.  I’m not one to make New Year’s resolutions.  I began thinking about something else though and it’s timing just seems perfect for the new year.  All the little things that come up that get under our skin, bug us or in one way or another seem to draw us out of what felt like blissful alignment — to all of that — to simply stop and ask yourself this simple question:

Will it matter in a year from now?

I’m thinking just about 99.9% of everything you can resolutely say “no, it won’t matter in a year from now”.  Once you’ve determined that, you can drop it and just let it go.  Let it return to its “native nothingness”, as Florence Scovel Shinn once wrote, as it means nothing unless you assign it meaning.  It, whatever *it* is, is relatively meaningless and not worth your attention and certainly not worth your alignment.  When you get down to it, if you are willing to suffer less and be in alignment more then less and less is there any configuration of outer facts or conditions that can draw you out of alignment.  The more you step outside of your own suffering, step outside of the dream you are dreaming, the greater capacity you have to repeatedly step outside your own dream.

As for the other .1% or so that will matter a year from now, you won’t feel the same about it a year from now as you do today, as long as you are willing to suspend any judgment about what it means.  This means you don’t give yourself to conclusions that are at odds with what you really want.   You can check yourself at any time you’re feeling something unwanted by asking: am I giving myself to a conclusion that is set against my true desire?  This fosters a self rapport and an inner harmony that will carry you through even the toughest times in life.

Come to life with an open mind, an open heart and a willingness to let a wisdom greater than your own work through you.  It does so both visibly and invisibly every day.  Today is no exception, this year is no exception.  Solutions, answers, miracles happen in an instant and it all flows to us with ease when we let it. The “letting” is the key.

Image Locale

I thought it fitting since we are at the end of the month, to write about beginning at the end.  It goes like this: begin at the end and stay there.  This is something I learned from studying with The Field Center and the Neville Goddard material, as well.  What does it mean?  The end that you begin at is to embody the feeling, the sense that you already have whatever it is you were wanting.

Passing through a wrinkle in time, time now collapses in on itself, the veil is pulled back and your heart’s desire has already unfolded.  What does it feel like in your heart, your body to know that what you longed for is no longer at arm’s length but it’s here right now?  Note what it feels like because this is a feeling you can come back to again and again.

It sounds easy enough, doesn’t it?  I never really understood that it took a bit of commitment on my part to actually stay there.  That commitment flows out of falling in love with your heart’s desire so that it is no longer a desire, it’s a given.  You just know it and no fact that shows up in your now can sway you from this knowing.  It’s that kind of faithfulness and commitment that I am referring to.

The one who taught me about committing myself to “staying there” is my son.  Those who know me personally, know that I have a special needs son.  There were times in the past that his needs seemed to exceed what we could provide for him and for many reasons we thought he might have to live in an environment outside of our home where he could obtain the supports he needed.  More than anything, I didn’t want this to happen and I suffered a good bit over it for quite awhile.  I wanted a miracle to happen.

One day I felt inspired and made a decision.  I would fast forward to the ending that I wanted.  He stays here with us throughout his childhood and we have the supports that we need to provide for him.  I could see it in my mind’s eye, even though he is still a child today, here he was a young adult.  He had grown up and he’d stayed living with us in our home the whole time.  I could feel the feelings, the joy and contentment of raising him.  No more would I worry, will it happen?  It did happen — in my mind’s eye, my heart, my body it happened; I knew it was real and it was the truth.  I had peeled back the veil and saw and felt all that I needed to know.

Now my work is only to stay there.  By staying there, this means that nothing that happens day to day counts against my happy ending.  Why?  Because I don’t let it.  I don’t let myself come to any conclusions about anything that happens today.  I don’t take it seriously and I don’t allow it to have any importance.  That’s the commitment of staying there.  Only once since I experienced my happy ending have I given myself to a conclusion that counted against that happy ending.  On that day, I suffered and I suffered enough to renew my commitment again.

One miracle didn’t happen, many miracles happened over time: capable, highly specialized trained aides in our home, a cutting edge doctor working with my son, a specialty school, spiritual teachers showing up whose guidance has been pivotal, and many supports I was inspired to implement in the home.   Now today, I don’t question if my son will remain living with us, I know he will.

Ultimately children, and loved ones become our greatest teachers.  What we might not do for ourselves, we will do for them.  And what we do for love, we essentially do for ourselves, too.  It does not matter what path we take to get to alignment, only that we do get there.

Rumi, of course, said it best:

Close your eyes

Fall in love

Stay there.

There’s a host of happy endings inside each of us, awaiting our whole-hearted consent to join hands and “fall in love” with them.

Stephen Hawking’s new book is about to be released and already there’s a buzz about the controversial idea he offers that there is no God needed to “set the Universe going” and that the “Universe can and will create itself from nothing”.  I don’t think he’s disputing that God exists, necessarily, but he does apparently seem to be saying that God is not needed for creation.

The first thing I did when I read this about him, was to check his birthdate and interpret it via the 9 star ki which is basically Chinese astrology.  This told me that he came into the world, or the equivalent to his sun sign in western astrology, as the number 5 which in Chinese astrology is the element of “middle” earth.  It’s a very powerful number and element to come into the world as.  A famous person, you may know who is also a 5 as their essential element, or first number in their 9 star ki, is Lady Gaga.

These are not people who are typically shy about being the center of attention.  They often have had life experience of an extreme nature and they’ve come with the potential to make a big splash in the world.  They often can have a profound influence on others.  So without question, Stephen Hawking is a shining example of his essential element.  I decided to give you all that background since you may read many things about Stephen Hawking but likely you won’t hear much about his 9 star ki.  And nowhere else, and I mean nowhere else, are you going to find any thing resembling a comparison drawn between Stephen Hawking and Lady Gaga.  You heard it here first!

On to my brief point here, let me first say I have not read his books and I am not a scientist.  I’m not out to really dispute his point either just offer an opinion.  I used to be an agnostic in terms of faith.  I had my first spiritual awakening in, of all places, Rocky Mountain National Park witnessing such glorious grandeur as I’d never before seen.  I knew this could be no accident.  Still, I’m by nature somewhat skeptical.  While I was not born in Missouri, referred to as the show me state, I was definitely a “show me” kind of gal.

Eventually I would become a nurse and am now retired from that profession.  It was during my studies of the human body that I realized again this was no accident.   There has to be a Grand Intelligence behind all of it.  Nothing else, in my opinion, can explain the orderliness and the sheer complexity of just the human body alone.  Additionally, throughout every moment your body will make adjustments to come into balance all day every day.  They even have a word for it in the medical field – homeostasis.  All of nature has the encoded ability to seek balance, equilibrium, harmony — homeostasis.  Not only then is it a Grand Intelligence, it’s an intelligence that operates with benevolence and dare I say kindness and grace even.

Call it God, call it Source, All That Is, etc., as I said in the commentary of my last poem, Life Never Fails, there is no place where God is not.  In my mind, it would follow then that God or a Grand Intelligence was and is behind the wheels of creation.  My only question, as a conscious creator then, is: am I working in tandem with this Grand Intelligence?  How will I know?  I will know, as Abraham says, in every moment by how I think and feel.

I leave the meetup, get in the car and immediately call home, since the plan is to now go home, pick up my daughter and leave for a concert.  Back story is I don’t like to be late and I don’t like to be rushed.  So I’m checking in with my husband on the status of our daughter getting ready, since we have to leave in one hour. Not only does she have to get ready but she has work to be done before we leave.  My husband says that my daughter’s not up yet.  It’s 3 o’clock in the afternoon.  I’m gobsmacked.   I’m telling my husband we’ll never make it on time.  Not only that, I’m saying she often does this, she’s rarely on time lately.  I explain how I’ve been struggling all week with getting her out the door on time for things.  And then I’m thinking, I just know she’ll do a half ass rush job at the work she has to do.  And who sleeps ’til 3pm?   Wait, there’s more … if we don’t get there early, parking will be hard to find, I’ll be stuck in concert traffic, yada, yada, yada.

I hang up the phone.  And then I just said STOP.  For crying out loud, just STOP.  I stop and take a deep breath and remember I just left a meetup.  What did I just learn in the meetup?  I will tell you what I just learned and how I used it.

What actually happened here?  Just the facts.  What are the facts and nothing but the facts, m’am?

FACT: I called home and was told that my daughter is not up yet.

That’s all that happened.  That’s the facts, period.

All that other stuff is just blah, blah, blah.  A story I made starring me and my unwitting daughter and the script went like this — well you heard it all already.  Did any of it serve me or her?  Are they giving out any awards for the one person who can get their panties in a wad quicker than anyone else?  And if they were, would I even want that award?  Well I might, for you know what and giggles, but no, I don’t really want to be the fastest panty wad twister on earth.

Here’s what I want.  Here’s what I always want and that is to feel good and happy and clear.  So I just learned a new tool to do just that.  And I like this even better than Byron Katie’s: is it true? because it just by passes all of that.  I’m still asking a story if it’s true in the BK model.  Why get vested in the story at all, why not separate it out altogether and get down to the bare minimum.  What are the facts?  The rest is all a choice I make to have it mean this or that.

Immediately I realized how this could help a friend who doesn’t really get along with her boss.  Every time she gets an email or a phone call from this boss requesting such and such, she goes right into the story of what that means. And it’s often a story that doesn’t serve her; it’s a story that leaves her feeling less than and wanting to change jobs. So what do you do in that case?  You take the facts only.  Boss calls.  Boss wants to review my document.  Boss has made these changes to my document.

What does it mean?  It means nothing and everything, depending on what you tell yourself about it.  Strip it all down to its bare minimum, just the facts.  Before you, me, we get caught up in the whirlwind of what it all means, just stop, take a deep breath.  Ask yourself: what are the facts?  Look at the facts and decide, choose selectively, mindfully what you want to make of it, if anything at all.  Or choose just for this one moment, choose to have it mean nothing at all.  You can always come back to that subject and plaster it with all the meaning you want, but for now consider halting all the story about what *anything* means.  Feel the pure relief in that.

Thankfully I drove home sans the irritation over potentially being late or rushed because I realized it was all a resistance, filled to the brim, story.  And by the way, we got to the concert, no traffic, found good close parking and had plenty of time to spare.  We had a great conversation standing in line chatting with people we’d never met before but found so many crazy synchronistic things we shared in common, including the names and breeds of our dogs, the names of our kids, it just went on and on.

Things just flow and line up so much easier when I take the time to line up myself.  In my heart, I always want to be in my corner.  In all of our hearts, we all want to be in our own corner, our own good friends.  Just the facts and nothing but the facts, is a great and easy, user friendly tool to use and is definitely a keeper in my tool box.

I begged my husband, please let me read you this poem, it means so much to me (appended below).  He says he doesn’t like poetry unless it’s one of my poems.  Sweet.  He relents, I begin to read him this poem and am not half way through it before I’m crying.  It’s one of those poems where I wondered — did the author go inside my heart and read what was written there?

How did he know I’ve been afraid?  How did he know I thought I’d dump every idea of exploring consciousness and life?  I tried to convince myself, I’m older now, I don’t need to make the grand experiments anymore.  Maybe I don’t even care anymore.  Maybe I’ll never care again.  Maybe this small, safe place is where I belong.

I thought, if I don’t make big, bold footprints in the world, I won’t be noticed.  Big, scary things won’t happen to me then.  You see, if I’m not noticed, I can’t be hurt.  I’ll just go over here and carve out this small, quiet space and I’ll be protected.

I didn’t decide all at once that I can’t live happily like that.  I didn’t exactly turn a corner all at once either.  I tiptoed up to it, peeked around the corner and retreated.  Then I’d do it again and again and again.  Until one day I could say, I invite my true sense of adventure and exploration back in.  I invite Life back in again.

I turned the corner because I am a devotee of expansion more than I am a devotee of fear.  This is the path of my heart and soul.  I choose to follow it now.  Again.

* * *

For A New Beginning

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plentitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life’s desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

~John O’Donohue~
To Bless the Space Between Us
A Book of Blessings

“… flare up like flame and make big shadows I can move in …” ~ Rilke

I was noticing that trust and truth share the first three letters “tru”.  I went searching for the origins and etymology of both words, trust and truth, and found that they share in common one word — faithful.  I began to explore then how trust and truth might be linked and to what and whom is it that I am faithful.

Recently I’ve written about how I’ve diminished my own authority in the world.  This is to not trust in the truth of who I am, it is instead to negate it.   And here’s the rub: I have so much authority that I even have the authority to diminish my own authority.  I have had all the authority all along.  I am the author of my life.  I have the power to play it small or play it big.  I have the power to make myself weak or strong, meek or bold, broken or whole.  I can choose to self censor and diminish myself.  I can choose its opposite too.

So I’ve been playing a little game of smoke and mirrors.  I’ve been so powerful I could pretend I was weak.  It’s a myth I have created that I was ever less than, a myth of my own making.  I have both the power to bind myself in chains and the power to relieve myself of them, too.

I had it a bit backwards when I said in my 30 day challenge I would speak my truth, I would honor it, I would not defer it, explain it or stuff it.  I put the proverbial cart before the horse.  Guess what?  I can’t really know my truth until I know myself.  And I mean “know” myself in terms of not denying myself.  This means trusting in a greater truth, trusting in the fullness, the wholeness of all that I really am and remaining faithful to that truth.

Joseph Campbell has said the privilege of a lifetime is in being who you are.  I am feeling that life is too short for me to deny myself that privilege even for one moment longer.

While out visiting family in Pennsylvania, I found a great store with a huge purse collection and decided it was time for a new purse.  There was much deliberation, read — I was in there forever.  These things do take consideration. It’s practically a marriage, albeit a temporary one, purchasing a new purse.   Finally I settled on one.  It was smaller than what I had been using but so adoreable I just had to have it.  I convinced myself I didn’t need everything that was in my current purse.  Little did I recognize at the time just how much I would have to downsize with this new, small “adoreable” purse.

As I was downsizing and sorting piles of keep this and don’t keep this, I came across an old collection of what I affectionately call “well being cards”.   Those of you who have followed this blog since forever have read a couple of posts related to well being cards.  I was surprised to realize I had been collecting a version of well being cards since my days of trekking over to the Kripula yoga center in the late 90s.  Anyway, my point and I do have one, is this one card I found — it’s Abraham and it really got my attention, it was a keeper for sure.  It reads:

“Focus on what you are flowing instead of what is being flowed to you.”

Later in the week, I had an issue with a relative.  I dubbed her a “taker”.  Since it was me having the issue with her and she’s a taker in my mind, then what does that make me?  A victim.

So now I’ve got my panties in a wad over this and I’m never content to stay there.  I pondered where do I go from here?  Should I make a list of her positive aspects?  Oh no, in that moment, I was so far from being able to genuinely list any positive aspects about her.  That’s when I remembered the quote.  Focus on what you are flowing instead of what is being flowed to you.  The moment I remembered and practiced it, it brought me instant relief.  It led me back to my center.

Reacting to the stuff of life, people and situations is what my teacher calls “too much with the world”.  Too much with the world is a highly reactive stance.  It’s the proverbial blade of grass blowing which ever way the wind blows.  It knocks me off balance every time I allow myself to be too much with the world.  It’s living life from the outside in instead of living it from the inside out.

A reactive response to the world is to give my power away.  Focusing on what I am flowing over what is being flowed to me is an empowering stance.  It is to pull back and reclaim my power.  And so that’s what I practiced.  Then it was easy to see her positive aspects.  I didn’t however, have to sit down and make myself list her positive traits.  It just flowed naturally, once I practiced focusing on what I was flowing.

My husband was upset about something today.  Bless his heart, he doesn’t listen to Abraham or read any of the metaphysical stuff I do but he is always open to it.  I told him about the quote and how I applied it, he also found instant relief.

Remembering a recent quote I posted here from a Carlos Castaneda book: “Before you choose a path, ask yourself if the path has heart.  If it does, it will go well.  If it doesn’t, you’ll destroy it, to start again.”  Living life from the inside out is my path to personal freedom and most definitely a path that has heart.

First it was the 30 day blessing way challenge and now I have decided to develop my own 30 day challenge.  For the next 30 days, I vow the following:

1.  I will remember that all situations, whether pleasing or not, place me exactly where I am supposed to be.  How do I know that?  Here and now is where I am.

2.  I will remember that anything can happen and anything can change; every situation is porous and malleable.  In an instant, anything can change.

3.  I will tell the truth, my truth.  I will check in with myself before speaking my truth and/or making any decisions and ask: is this *my* truth?  I pledge to honor my truth.  I will not defend, excuse or explain my truth.  I also will not stuff it, deny it or try to change it based on another’s perceived needs or predicated on any of the oft considered “shoulds”.  The truth needs no defense nor explanation and Lord knows, needs no excuses.  It’s the truth!  It stands on its own.

Obviously I am in on this challenge.  This time I won’t ask if you all are because my path is my path but I’d love to hear if any of this resonates with you.

Thanks to the friends and teachers who have inspired me and escorted me to this point — Amy C., Terri C., Luana, Denise C., Holly S. and as always, Philip Golabuk and finally … Life.

I’ll be gone for the next week or so.  If you came here and are looking for something uplifting or inspiring to read, you’ve come to the right place.  Check out an archive of over 575 posts by clicking on tags, categories or any month.

Image by Bethie

Well let’s see what Bethie is going to get at the store today.  Hmmm, bread and milk plus discount herself and play small.  What?  What crazy, mixed up kind of a shopping list is this?

Let me explain.  It all started with the 30 day blessing challenge.  I loved affirming “I am so blessed” but was choking on “I am a blessing to the world”.  Well not exactly choking but it didn’t have a wholehearted ring of truth to it.  I could easily say “We are all a blessing to the world” but single myself out, nuh uh, I wasn’t buying it.

I had a talk with myself about that and while I wasn’t exactly willing to accept that I am a blessing to the world, I was willing to suspend judgment about it.  I wondered what would it look like if I played the role of someone who had the confidence to say whatever she wanted to say about herself.   I decided then to try on some of these roles, different identities.  Try them on for size.  I would ask myself which clothes would this identity wear, how would she walk, how would she talk, would she emphasize certain words over others, would her voice be louder or softer?  How would she interact with her children, her pets, others?  I even put different music on to reflect this new identity I was trying on.

Later it hit me, I am always playing a role whether I’m conscious of it or not.  In the consciousness as cause model, the Field responds/corresponds to whatever role I am modeling at the moment.  The Field is pure receptivity, it only says yes.  Part and parcel of the Field’s yes is to bring me situations and people that will reflect what’s on my list.  This explains what Anais Nin has said, that life doesn’t happen to us but *through* us, as it corresponds or says yes to whoever we are being and what we believe about ourselves and the world around us.

Next I began to think of life in terms of a shopping list.  Every day I make out a shopping list for the Field by way of who I choose to be that day, the role I choose to model.  What is choking on the words, I am a blessing to the world, but discounting myself and playing small?  So to graphically illustrate that, I made the shopping list you see in the above image.  Milk and bread, discount myself and play small.  And the Field goes out and brings me back the goods on my list because it only knows YES.  Ok, I’ve got all the milk and bread I need but I’ve decided I don’t want the rest of those goods anymore!

Wow, I have to tell you this little shopping list insight was such an eye opener for me.  It put it in very concrete terms so that I really got it on a visceral level that this is what I’m doing.  I was gobsmacked to say the least.  It really makes me take pause what I want to put on my shopping list.  The Field is all ears and eyes and saying yes to it all.  There is no time off from consciousness.  Is turning down the volume on my muchness really what I want to order?

How about all that other stuff that can make its way on any list: too fat, not good enough, too much work that I “have to” do, tired, stressed, scarcity and lack, and so on.  Is that what any of us really want to order today or any day?

And yet, nothing changes if nothing changes.  It’s not enough to change my shopping list, I have to be that change and the Field then says yes to that.

So I’m back to the drawing board of who do I want to be today.  What role shall I try on today and ever mindful that whatever it is I am essentially placing my order for exactly that.  And remembering one more thing, that Life is my playground.   Ground in which to play, mix it up, build castles, tear them down and start all over again.  I get to play dress up and try on new roles, listen to music I wouldn’t normally put on, play with new ways of talking and walking and relating to others.

As long as it’s lighthearted and playful, count me in.  Ah, well then, that’s today’s shopping list.  I’m ordering lighthearted and playful.  And the Field says: yes, your majesty.  Well, my Field says that.  How about you?  What’s on your shopping list today?