You may have heard out here in the Pacific Northwest we got whacked by a snow and ice storm last month, not something we are used to nor prepared for.  Many, many trees went down including that gorgeous one you see above in its finer days.

It’s a Catalpa and it used to stand in our neighborhood.  I admired it for a few years before I got up the courage to knock on my neighbor’s door and ask them if they knew what it was, and they did indeed.  It was as if I’d unlocked a treasure once I knew its name and then I loved it even more, as if a secret intimacy was between us, now that I knew who she was.

And now she’s gone because anybody with a chain saw and enough brain cells to operate said chain saw is just chopping away at trees.  I miss her so much!  I was, in Abraham’s words, really pinching myself off just thinking about her every time I drove by the empty void of her stump left behind.

And then I remembered, I could focus on the millions of trees that did survive.  And in my focusing I know that I’ll find the weeping sequoias that are still standing, the ancient, larger than life, monkey puzzle trees and so much more.  I could focus on one tree being gone or I could focus on millions more still here and so many more to come.

And wait, is this not how life is?  I could focus on the one thing that has my panties in a wad, the one thing that seems so out of reach and so key to my well being OR I could set my spotlight on the multitude of things that make my heart sing.  Knowing that — why would I choose to focus anywhere else?  Well, it’s got my attention and it’s sad and I don’t like it and that Catalpa tree deserves an ode of appreciation to it.  Yes, every day I passed by you my heart sang out to you.

And now you’re gone, but I’m here and so are all of you and so much beauty still abounds in this world.  I could weep every moment for the fullness and bounty of it all.

Home is where my well-being lies and ultimately the heart of me but if I’ve got my sights pointed on the unwanted, I am far from home.

And here’s the part I just can’t resist and mean it from the bottom of my heart:

Oh, Auntie Em, there IS no place like home.

I still stub my toe on the way to cake.  This was a story we heard from Abraham on one of their cruises.  During this cruise, it was Esther’s birthday.  She’d gone to bed for the night, when a knock came to her door.  Stumbling her way to the door in the dark, she stubbed her toe.  Ouch!  Upon opening the door, to her surprise, there was a birthday cake sent in her honor!

And so came the phrase – I still stub my toe on the way to cake.  It’s a way of saying we are always on our way to cake, we are always on the perfect path for us at the moment, and we just might stub our toe along the way.   It’s a softer, lighter means of making peace with the contrast that every one experiences at some time or another.

It was in my own dreams last night that the stub my toe phrase came back to me.  I had gone somewhere deep in the mountains for a retreat, many of us had gathered there.  The catch was your only way in and thus your only way out, was on foot.

The retreat is over and people try to hook up with others for the long trek back to our own homes.  It’s a circuitous route, easy to get lost and it’s fraught with snakes and wild life, best to not make the trip on foot alone.

This difficult route alone with snakes and wild life seems to be a metaphor for the contrast, the challenges we find ourselves amidst in life.

We are carrying all our belongings on our back.  I am traveling unusually lightly.  Ha, going into this year with less baggage perhaps!  High five for Bethie!  My companions are carrying much more and I think I should take some of their baggage, which is so like me to want to help and take on others stuff in the process.  Yet I shock myself, I don’t take their stuff on.  And as it happens, they begin to unwittingly drop their own baggage as they move further towards home.

Another beautiful metaphor, may we all drop our baggage as we travel home.  Home, as in who we really are, is by its very nature without all the baggage including the measuring stick of how well we’ve done in life, etc.

Next in the dream, we come to a point where we must walk a tight rope and below us is a sea of snakes.  We are crossing the tightrope when a literal paradise of flowers, in every shape and color begins blooming all around us.  The tightrope disappears and we are home again.

I realized then that garden was just like the birthday cake Esther received.  And I saw further that the point isn’t the contrast, it isn’t the challenges.   The point isn’t in stubbing the toe, or walking the tightrope. No, it’s remembering to enjoy the process no matter how challenging it is.  It’s remembering to see the beauty no matter how bad things look.  It’s a reminder that it’s always, always there.

It’s just that we get this tunnel vision that this or that sucks and we want out of it now, pronto, yesterday.  The way out starts with the little gifts, surprises that come knocking at our doorways in a plethora of ways, so plentiful you could not name or count them all in a day.

Consider spending a moment or more lingering inside the blessings bestowed upon you each and every day.

My friend Ahmee wrote this freedom rampage.  I thought it was Abraham’s, that’s how good it is.  Half way through are my additions to the rampage.

I am free to walk this world in peace.

I am free to think nice thoughts about me.

I am free to step into who I know I am.

I am free to eat lightly and powerfully.

I am free to take good care of myself.

I am free to ALLOW ALL OTHERS.

I am free to NOT get all  “up into it, whatever it is, at the moment”.

I am free to be happy, wow.

I am free to think the best of me.

I am FREE to think the BEST of everyone else.

I am free to be a pure beam of me.

I am free to literally not care what others think of me.

I am free to know what pleases me.

I am free to know what I know.

I am free to be strong.

I am free to be clear.

I am free to feel whole wholesome welcomed and GOOD.

I am free to love in the BEST sense of what the word means to me…and a big part of that is allow allow allow.

I am free to start a new journey at ANY moment I choose!

I am free to choose!

I am free to feel safe secure and friendly, to myself and others.

I am free to step up to the plate and choose who I want to be in any moment.

I am free to reach for alignment, no matter where I am!

I am FREE to remember its just a blip on the radar screen.

I am FREE to lighten up.

I am free to look upon myself with ABSOLUTE understanding and compassion.

I AM FREE TO BE UNAFRAID.

I love free.

I love feeling free.

I love knowing I can open to it.

I loved writing this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love free, too!

I love remembering that love is waiting at the end of every road.  How freeing is that?!

I love remembering it’s just a chapter it’s not the whole story.  I can grok a little more freedom in that.

I love the moment of dropping the armor of being in control and then letting myself just relax and allow something greater to take over on my behalf.  It feels SO freeing.

I love believing that everything always works out for me in the end.

I love knowing that only good lies before me.

I love nudging my fearful self with that little question: What if I could?

I love believing in miracles and knowing they happen every single day to every one of us. I type this now and send it across the world in a matter of seconds.  That’s a miracle.

I love letting myself have freedom today.

I love choices.  I love that I can choose on the side of fear or on the side of faith.

I love being tender with myself when I lean on the side of fear.

I love asking myself: what would love do right now?

I love asking myself: what if it’s all alright?  What if I am alright?  What if we all are?

And lastly – I love the freedom that comes from the ridiculous.  So one final word of wisdom, don’t be concerned if you have not reached this level of wicky-wacky wisdom.  It’s fairly high on the enlightenment level to truly attain this, but give it a try (tongue in cheek humor here):

“A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.”  Now this is the secret to freedom and happiness that trumps all others.  The children know the joy and freedom in nonsense.  Beneath the layers of life and living, WE are those children.

…. and ghosts!  Oh my!  I’ve experienced my first certifiable ghostly apparition!  My daughter and I came home from shopping yesterday.  We walked inside and my dog stood in the breakfast nook area growling, snorting, barking and then turned on her heels scampering up the stairs.  Later in the night, my husband took her out for what we dub the “final piddle” and she repeated the same behavior again in the same area.

This morning a bag of dog food was positioned by this ghost directly under the nook’s breakfast table.  Hmmmm … veddy, veddy interesting!

Is it a coincidence that I’d come home having just purchased the movie “Ghost” last night?  Who knows!  But now to my point which is not about ghosts, it’s about love.

My daughter and I watched the movie, she for the first time.  Me, I’ve lost count on how many times I’ve seen it.  I love it for so many reasons and I cry at the end of it every time when he’s about to be beamed up to heaven.  Those final words: “It’s amazing, Molly, the love inside, you take it with you.”

I don’t just believe that love is eternal, I think it’s woven into the fabric of the Universe.  Every thing is intrinsically designed to move towards homestatis or balance and well being in its own way.  What else but the hands of love fashioned all of this?!

And, finally on the topic of love, I was listening to Patty Griffin the other day and a single line in a song struck a deep chord within —

“Maybe love is waiting at the end of every road.”

I wanted those words to be on their own line, so we can all really take that in.  You see, if we believe that love is waiting at the end of EVERY road, then no matter what the circumstances we are going through, there is the knowledge that love is waiting at the end of it.  Consider holding that one line in your heart next time you’ve traveled off the beaten path; the one that leaves you scared, sad, anxious, mad or whatever.  It will help you turn yourself back to the natural state of all things – one of eagerness, hope and optimism.

“Maybe love is waiting at the end of every road.”  No, maybes about it!

Happy Holidays Everyone!

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Days after writing the Champions post, where I said “never lose your muchness”, I awoke to a day when I declared softly: I have lost my muchness.  I forgot my own rule of thumb, never say never.  Never and its cousin, always, rules out another little thing called human-ness.

There I was, feeling alone in the suchness of losing my muchness.  As Emmanuel, once said: “if darkness were my natural home, I would be comfortable there.”  I wasn’t comfortable there and because I am a friend to me, I knew I had to take myself by the hand and find my way back to my light, my muchness.

Some of you may remember Abraham’s reference to having our pencil in the fan.  These days they call it “out of the vortex”.  I still like the pencil in the fan concept.  It’s such a perfect analogy of how I can impede my muchness.  So I developed a plan to turn back toward my muchness.  I call it my Emergency Pencil-in-the-Fan kit:

1.   move about mindfully
2.   whatever negative inner talk is going on, stop and ask what would a friend say to you right now, listen to what that friend has to say
3.   walk with your gaze outward and upward
4.   take 4 deep conscious breaths, up from the toes and exhale back down into the toes, feel yourself grounded to the earth
5.   tell yourself nothing is more important than being in your own corner, a solid friend to you
6.   eat something that had it’s roots in the earth, eat it slowly and mindfully
7.   surround yourself with the structure and support of doing what’s before you to do and doing it mindfully
8.   close your eyes, take one more deep breath, and as you exhale, feel your shoulders drop, drop into the body sense of “I am a friend to me”
9.   remember that whatever you are believing is based on untrue reasoning.  You may not know that now but you will as soon as your pencil is out of the fan.
10. move about mindfully

I made nos. 1 and 10 the same because if I did nothing else on that list, that alone would suffice.  It will ground you in the present moment.  This is what Eckhart Tolle says about the present moment:

“Once you have reached a certain level of consciousness, you are able to decide what kind of relationship you want with the present moment. Do I want the present moment to be my friend or my enemy? The present moment is inseparable from life, so you are really deciding what kind of a relationship you want to have with life. Once you have decided you want the present moment to be your friend… Life becomes friendly toward you… One decision changes your entire reality. But that one decision you have to make again and again and again – until it becomes natural to live in such a way.”

A word about mindfulness movement, several words actually!  It means dropping into the body, aware of every movement you make.  While walking feel each part of your foot strike the surface, note texture of the surface you are walking on, the air moving across your body.  Reach to open a cabinet, note the arm extending outwards, fingers touch surface, texture and temperature of surface.  Hand encircles a cup or a plate, feel each tiny movement.  Note the sounds, the textures, the temperature, smells, tastes, movement of the body.  Practice it before you find your pencil in the fan and you will easily be able to fall back into it when you are feeling wonky.  For more information on mindfulness, I recommend reading The Long Road Turns to Joy by Thich Nhat Hanh.

This is what Thich Nhat Hanh says about the importance of mindfulness:

“… consciousness is said to be a field, a plot of land in which every kind of seed has been planted, seeds of suffering, happiness, joy, sorrow, fear, anger, and hope.  The quality of our life depends on which of these seeds we water.  The practice of mindfulness is to recognize each seed as it sprouts, and to water the most wholesome seeds whenever possible.”

Thich Nhat Hanh also recommends repeating a Zen Buddhist poem while walking mindfully:

“I have arrived.
I am home
in the here,
in the now.
I am solid.
I am free.
In the ultimate
I dwell.”

May we all arrive home, solid and free.

I’ve learned through many a New Age modality that where we place our focus is not just relevant but it also has a creative aspect in our lives.  Yet when I’ve found myself down the rabbit hole, it often feels like a spiral quite difficult to remove myself from.  There’s lots of reasons for this, part habitual but also there’s a whole range of neuro-chemicals that flood the brain once we attach ourselves to a series of thoughts and its attendant feelings.  This is one of the reasons why it can be difficult to get out of a cycle of fear, anxiety, depression, guilt, etc.

A former mentor of mine was quite gifted at what he dubbed “the alarm clock” method.  It’s a question you ask someone who is suffering in unwanted thoughts and feelings.  The question is designed to wake someone up out of the cycle of emotional pain.  The question, however, is unique to each individual’s experience.  But recently a friend of mine reminded me about self-inquiry that can also replicate this alarm clock method, so I can wake myself up.  She shared a process from Mooji; his videos can be found on youtube.  The question to ask yourself is: “who says this, who is witnessing this?”, “who is witnessing the witness?”.

I decided to try that process on.  I went to the eye doctor for a corneal abrasion I currently have.  I am loathe to have someone messing with my eyeball.  Pelvic exams, no problem but mess with my eyeball and instant fear ensues.  So, I’m in the chair at the doctor’s office, having my eye examined.  I can feel that I am holding my breath and tensing my muscles.  My first response was to tell myself to breathe and relax my muscles.  I call that the band-aid approach.

But, wait, I just learned a new tool!   I asked myself – who is having this experience?  Boom, the alarm clock went off and the whole process shifted.  Neuro-chemicals dissipated, my body relaxed and I began to breathe freely on my own.  All it took was a moment of choice which allowed me to step out of the immersed, trance-inducing state of mind.

I’ve repeated this question many times since – who is having this experience?  It’s worked every time.  I’ve also used it while suspended in a moment of pure joy and let me tell you, that just sent wave upon wave of goosebumps through me.  Talk about milking and savoring the moment!

Consider trying the question on yourself.  I’d love to hear how it went for you.  Also, if you have a favorite alarm clock method, please do share that, too.

Well, here I am again in the rabbit hole of expansion, slash contrast, slash sh*t hole.  A sweet friend of mine sent me this AbeQuote, I then re-worked it for myself.  In the meantime, I am two-fistedly climbing my way out of the rabbit hole … one Abe quote, one cupcake at a time.

Where I am is is fine.
There is no wrong doing on my part.
There is no recovery from something that is amiss.
There’s just me, in this moment harmonizing with the Energy of Who I Am.
And softly acknowledging that it’s a big capacity.

My God self stands powerfully in my Well Being.
And if I am not feeling that, it’s because I am *over thinking* it.
And yet beyond over thinking I am always but a breath away from my Well Being

Easy does it

I trust the Divine Intelligence within me
It’s got my back
It’s got my front
It’s got my past
It’s got my present
It’s got my future

The Source within me knows where I’ve been
knows where I’m going
knows Who I Am
knows what I want
knows where I am in relationship to what I want

It knows the path of least resistance to get me where I want to be
The Source within me knows all of these things

Just because I don’t see it all spelled out for me this red hot minute
doesn’t mean I ought to be doing something different
doesn’t mean I’m wrong or bad or inadequate

What I am doing is enough
Where I am at is enough
It’s enough

It’s all I can do and it’s enough

Trust the process
trust my Divine Inner Being
take its vibrational hand
It knows the way

“So really what we’re asking you to do, and it’s an annoying word, but it has such powerful resonance at the very core of your being, is to trust the process. To trust your Inner Being. To trust that where you are is fine. To acknowledge there is no wrong doing on your part. That there’s no misunderstanding or no misapplication of a process. There is no recovery from something that is amiss. There’s just you, in this moment, harmonizing with the resonating blending with the Energy of Who You Are. Softly acknowledging that it’s a big capacity. And in acknowledging that big capacity of this Energy, being pleased with where you are touching it and what it is achieving.

Here’s a way you could look at it that would be very pleasing to us: Standing, like your Inner Being, in your Vortex, utterly knowing the Well Being of you and knowing it so powerfully and you being so close in the vicinity of it that you can’t not know it. In other words, we know it so much that you just got to know it. And if you don’t know it, it’s coz you’re overthinking it. We just want you to know you’re close enough. You’re close enough. In other words, easy does it. Close enough and trust that Source within you. The Source within you, this Vortex, has got you. It’s got your back. It’s got your front. It’s got your past. It’s got your present. It’s got your future. It IS you. In other words, it’s real-time, vibrational. It knows all of the manifestations that are coming. It knows every step along the way. It could lay it all out for you brilliantly. It knows every rendezvous that you’ll have with every single person. It knows where you’ve been. It knows where you’re go ing. It knows Who You Are. It knows what you want. It knows where you are in relationship to what you want. It know that path of least resistance to get you to where you want to be. It knows all of those things. The Source within you knows all of those things. And because you can’t just hear it all spelled out this red hot minute, you choose to think that you ought to be doing something different than what you’re doing and we want to tell you: what you are doing is enough. It’s enough. It’s all you can do, and it’s enough. It’s all you can do, and it’s enough. Trust the process, it will just keep evolving.”

Lately, I’ve been putting a lot of focus on myself, which is why I took a blog sabbatical.  Regular readers know that my Dad died this year.  I also decided to get treatment for PTSD with neurofeedback.  That was my first choice. Then because my PTSD manifests in screaming out loud nightmares that wake my entire household, I also decided to seek a Jungian trained therapist.  When it comes to dream work, Jung was sheer brilliance.

In my neurofeedback sessions I get hooked up to these electrodes placed on my head and ears.  Then I wear earphones and sound gets piped in.  When I am in a “stuck” place in my brain, it gives me feedback in my ears that lets me know I’m in that stuck place.  From there, I choose where to journey, stay stuck or move somewhere new, though I have to say it doesn’t always feel a conscious choice.  It feels like the brain is journeying all on its own.

When I first started the neurofeedback, there were times it got very emotional.  Mostly, I’ve moved past that now and sometimes the sessions are a deep meditative experience.  Other times, though, I feel as if I am bouncing around in the ethers of the Universe, getting answers to questions I didn’t even know I had.  It’s as if a part of me takes off into a whole other realm of being.  Those are my favorite sessions, though they’ve kicked my butt every time, as I’ll be in brain exhaustion the rest of the day.  Then I will sleep like a baby those nights and awake renewed and filled with so much excitement around where my brain, my consciousness has been.

So in asking to understand more about how this all worked, my naturopath was explaining to me about synapses and such and that stuck *ANYTHING* including stuck happiness is not optimal use of the brain.  I started to ponder that and it makes sense. If this is an expansion based Universe, of course this has to be true.  Something stuck doesn’t create new pathways, it hinders it.  So even though it’s been said we can never truly be stuck, in the brain, I think there’s lots of ways energy, vibration, synapses, what have you, can become stuck.  What The Bleep illustrated this perfectly in the wedding reception scene with people dancing with the various IV’s, their emotional drugs of choice.

It just really kind of blew my mind that even being stuck in happiness is not optimal use of the brain.  And that leads me to a whole new place to stand in with lots of new options.  Really calls into question the old Abe edict: nothing is more important than I feel good.  I love Abraham Hicks and a hundred other teachers but I’m starting to think maybe I’ll drink my own koolaid for awhile.  The measure of my life is not just in my joy or happiness, it’s infinitely so much more than just that.

So those of you who have read me lately are finding these favorite or top 10 lists.  I started doing them on a women’s group after listening to an Abraham tape.  Esther is described as telling Jerry her top ten favorite things on a given subject.  I loved that idea, so I’ve been doing it daily.  Mine don’t always count to 10, often don’t read like a typical top ten list and have lots of twists, turns and surprises.  I include them now and again here.  Someday I think it would be lovely to compile them all together for myself and see the progress.  Anyway, so here’s today’s.  It’s different, it’s revealing, too and I’m ready for that now.

1.   OMG the pure sense of relief in finally accepting
2.   I was raised by a seriously pathological and exploitive mother (stay with me here :-) )
3.   I don’t have to make excuses anymore
4.   I don’t have to make sense of it either
5.   I feel, know the truth of this
6.   forgiveness is not even relevant
7.   I no longer need my Mother’s love
8.   just as I don’t need water from a dry well
9.   I’m free to be a fully realized me
10. I have everything I need now to fully blossom
11. I picked the very best timing to do neuro-feedback and dream work with a Jungian therapist
12. my Daddy’s dead, I don’t have to worry about dishonoring his smaller self that is no longer here
13. this is about me now
14. I had all the freedom in the world to be who I came here to be but I didn’t know it
15. I let things hold me back
16. they felt important
17. sometimes I wasn’t even conscious of them
18. I am becoming more conscious now
19. I love becoming a more conscious fully integrated human being
20. who came here to be her beautiful Bethie self
21. and now she can be
22. joy is all I have to say, pure utter joy
23. no wait, one more thing
24. EF’ing COOL!!!

1.  Breaking open
2.  running from it
3.  and then coming back to it
4.  reluctantly at first
5.  yet willing to be more than I have
6.  previously limited myself to
7.  my courage
8.  and my weakness
9.  inner Bethie’s House of God
10.so willing to take my hand and do this together

And because a girl’s gotta be a girl:

11.  Kate Somerville’s gentle exfoliating scrub because Holly reminded me of exfoliating and holy moly – skin! and a face that feels soft as a baby’s butt
12.  all the yellow haired people of the world, ha, ha, Tina Fey the leader in equal rights for hair color — snort!
13.  the art noveau-ish beaded, crocheted scarf I got for $3.99 and nearly wet it with my drool, we won’t mention my pants
14.  girls like Ahmee who always keep me smiling with visions of whale placentas, think cal king comforter meets washing machine
15.  Ahmee could write for Tina Fey
16.  and but of course … ova and out
17.  though technically it’s ovum and out
18.  see, you wouldn’t hire me to write for Tina Fey
19.  but you might for the laugh soundtrack
20.  laugh, it feels good in you and me
21.  AND it burns calories!
22.  who knew, right?
23.  you heard it here first
24.  and last
25.  yea, now it is ovum and out
26.  xoxo