Apparently all that deep inner work happened rather quickly. It is within hours of my last blog post, Feel the Fear, that I updated a group of Internet gal pals on my progress. I’ll quote that directly below and then add to it.
“Dawn came to Bethie today. First it started with it’s ok to feel the fear. Or insert whatever emotion in that. Next it was waves of nausea. I pushed against it, until dawn came to Bethie and I said it’s ok to throw up and every time a wave came I rode the wave and just kept saying it’s ok to throw up. Now the next dawn that came to me: it’s ok to have nightmares. It never was ok to have them. Never have I embraced them. Tonight when I lay my head down on that pillow, I’ll say it again — it’s ok to have nightmares. That’s it, see non-physical is popping the cork even now, I feel it in my goosebumps. They are jumping up and down yelling yippee, she gets it, she gets it. SHE GETS IT. Embrace it all, love it all, don’t push, hide, stuff any of it. Let it be in the wide open spaces, just let it be. She gets it!! Hallelujah!”
Oh yes, did I mention I get nightmares? No, probably not. I was hiding them. Nope, no more. I’d even go so far as to say I get to have nightmares now. No more pushing anything away. In the nightmares I replay allowing others to usurp my personal authority. It’s something I unwittingly gave others permission to do in “real” life, too.
Do you remember that game we used to play as kids — Duck, Duck, Duck, Goose. Well, it’s as if I’ve been playing a version of it — Wanted, Wanted, Wanted, Unwanted …. woops, unwanted get up and run, flee from it! Nothing, including allowing others to usurp my personal authority can be healed as long as I’m fleeing from it.
Well guess what happens when you don’t get up and flee from it, you find out its not the big scary monster in the closet you thought it was after all. There might even be a treasure or two tucked in the hairy hand of the once scary monster — learning that fleeing from anything is the very same thing as usurping my OWN personal authority.
One little phrase: It’s OK to feel _______, it’s OK to have _______, it’s OK to say no to________, it’s OK to cry. It’s OK, it’s OK, all of it was always OK. I was just dreaming a dream, that it wasn’t OK. That darkened tunnel I just walked through was surrounded in the Light the whole time.
I remember this is exactly what I wrote about weeks ago. I met a British gal named Lori at a conference. When she spoke of the possibility of cancer and the accompanying fear she felt, she said to herself — clearly, I want to have this experience.
Well, clearly I had to come to this conclusion on my own and with my own experience and language for it. Now it’s like writing myself a free and clear permission slip to have it all. It’s how I’ll step out into the world now, sampling the full smorgasbord of life. My channels wide open and set to receive. It’s all good, it’s all God. I am God in expression. I am pure love. I see me! I do, I really do. And I do see you, too. Namaste, Jaibhagwan and Aloha.
I leave you with a short quote from A Course in Miracles and one more comment after that:
“Look not upon the little wall of shadows. The sun has risen over it. How can a shadow keep you from the sun? No more can you be kept by shadows from the light in which illusions end. Every miracle is but the end of an illusion. Such was the journey, such its ending. And in the goal of truth which you accepted must all illusions end.
There is a hush in Heaven, a happy expectancy, a little pause of gladness in acknowledgment of the journey’s end.”
And following the hush in non-physical, comes a round of applause, the cork popping and the champagne flowing, glasses clinking in toasts and the happy dance that looks like the minuet, or the Charleston, or the Watusi, or the Bump — just depends what century or decade you last visited. I kind of like the Bump myself. Happy days, happy trails, and a happy, happy journey to us all.
Fear materializes in my body just as you described, nausea, and I just want to escape it, sleep through it……
it is habit!
Thank you for bringing it into the light for me and sharing your journey. You have brought so much joy and light into my life :)
Love and hugs, me
Sleep and chocolate was my go-to for escape :). And you … thanks for being on the journey with me. It’s a fun, wild ride. Oh the places we go! xxxxo
I am in love with this, Bethie and with you and your profound authenticity and wisdom. I am making friends with all my inner monsters. I might throw even them a party! This helped me so much! THANK YOU!
Yay!! Congratulations! No hiding, from us, from yourself,just embracing it all!! Woohoo Bethie!
Oh Neezie I think they *are* throwing the party. I see them smiling with that Cheshire cat smile and they’ve set a place for you and me, just knowing we were coming all along! They don’t even ask what took you so long, they know it all came together just when it was supposed to. xxxxo
Thank you Desba — I am in a woohoo, high five’ing Bethie kind of mood. Thanks for echoing it! xxxxo
freedom is fabulous. Lovely post.
love you, gal. xxx
Very beautiful & uplifting post – thankyou!!
Beth, I’m so so happy for you…I can feel the JOY at being OK with this experience, and this one, and this one. You came here to know this. Sweet dreams dear one!
Yes it is Jules and thank you for being instrumental in this particular journey! I love you too!
Thank you Sandra!
Thank you sweet friend of mine, Terri. If you hadn’t read it here, I was going to send it to you. xxxxo
Wonderful Beth….your journey, your growth, your sharing are all phenomenal. So glad you are a part of my journey.
“There is a hush in Heaven, a happy expectancy, a little pause of gladness in acknowledgment of the journey’s end.”
from my many journeys thru ACIM i always loved this one line and was happy in reading it in your quote this morning…
beautful “conclusion” tothe previous post (O: must bein the air as i chuckle for in my own slice of world i too have just allowed a few things to ride the wind thru me these past couple days… and feel the clarity that comes with going… yup its ALL just fine!
energy moves and it will always do so and continue to doso no matter what i attempt to “do” wit it in thought or deed… i can label the energy if that males it easier for me to let it flow in and out or through… me but if the labels i give it feel like something unwanted i run the risk of keeping the energy in my back pocket and it tends to hurt my ass after a rather short time! LOL
oh its just energy again… moving, as she does, life moving, life rearranging itself thru me as the vehicle through me as the “tube” i can call it this ir that or i can let it move thru and forget to name it anymore…
i even get to name is scary stuff and hang on to the label like the reins of a wild horse come to visit for the night or the day.. no matter, we will take this ride togther no matter what i label the reins, shes my dark horse or my light horse but we will ride (O:
xoxoxoAnnMarie
Wow AnnMarie….i love what you wrote here!
Thank you sweet sister Amy, you are in my heart. xxxxo
bare back, side saddle on the wild stallion AnnMarie?? :)
It is one wild ride, isn’t it? … Soon perhaps, I get to read these gems on the latest and greatest version of your blog, too. xxxxo
at present i have no blog…. hmmm dont get me started again… LOL thanks sweetie
I can wait AnnMarie. :)